Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
