Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
