I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
not ubering you a puppy
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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