Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
