You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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