Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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