I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
