Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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