I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
