Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
