Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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