Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
