if you like me you must not know who I am
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
