This beer is not sobering me up at all
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
