I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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