dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
