So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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