Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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