my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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