great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
