im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
