I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
