Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
