literally had 100 drinks last night.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
