I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
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Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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