i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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