Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
