Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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