her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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