I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
