i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
