I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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