i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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