Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
