they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
