highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize