You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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