When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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