The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
