im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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