If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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