I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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