the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
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Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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