textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
