I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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