I hate all girls vehemently.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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