i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
