TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
