Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
