Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
