she was so not down for the gang bang
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
