apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
