Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
your thong is hanging out like whoa
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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