her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
