I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
