Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
