You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
