I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
