Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
