please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
